Here are some words that rhyme with Corey

Corey Haim performed the most tragic disappearing act in the history of Toronto-bred celebrities by being in no condition to parade himself as a Hollywood casualty. A jaunty 2004 song called “Whatever Happened to Corey Haim?” by Irish band The Thrills earned him some ink after The Sun U.K. tabloid ventured to find an answer: “I’m clean, sober, humble and happy.” Yet, there wasn’t much hometown love after Haim did promotional rounds for a special edition DVD release of License to Drive. The widely-circulated CP24 story described him as “almost an unrecognizable shadow of his former self”, adding “he’s twice the size and twice the age” – a staggering expression of cruelty from the sycophantic local celebrity media. This lack of compassion for Haim dates back five years, when a True Hollywood Story episode showed the still-slackjawed teen heartthrob unintelligibly blathering about his first break as a child actor; following a drug-induced stroke, he was unsuccessful at auctioning off his extracted molar on eBay, although clumps of his hair remained readily available. Corey Feldman, who co-starred with Haim in seven increasingly obscure flicks, claimed in 2002 that the duo were all set to co-host a game show called Corey vs. Corey, until the Canadian half of the duo suffered his drug relapse. Now, a report in Variety floats The Coreys, “a hybrid improv comedy that would center on fictional versions of themselves” where 35-year-old Feldman’s comfortable suburban bliss with his 23-year-old wife – they were married by M.C. Hammer on an episode of The Surreal Life – is disrupted by a certain bloated couch-surfer who shares his first name, who is (a) dismayed that he can’t find a publisher for his tell-all book about a fling with Victoria Beckham (b) on the run from too many late fees at video stores around Yonge and Eglinton (c) killing time until his starring role in a Canadian movie about the rave scene can be delayed for long enough to pass for retro. Sadly, the Coreys are suffering from the delusion that they’re qualified to emulate Curb Your Enthusiasm instead of battling over who is most scarred from being financially exploited by their parents, finding out who would more money for selling bodily discharge at conventions, and determining who has transmitted the most infection to aspiring actresses – contests that would never be tried on Kenny vs. Spenny.